Paradoxical
by canihavea-soda
Summary: When self inserts start going awry, isn't it about time that authors start being able to poke fun at themselves? Join Soda (alias Helena) on her journey to prove that not all parodies have to be written as script!
1. Paradoxical

**Paradoxical**

_Reasons: ...I have no excuse, other than the need to amuse (in prose no less!). I apologise in advance..._

* * *

Link groaned, registering the fact that he was lying on a very cold, and exceptionally hard surface. Gingerly, he opened his eyes, and was almost immediately blinded when a ball of light that he recognised all too well buzzed towards him. "Goddesses Navi," he breathed, squinting at her until his eyes adjusted to the light.

"Sorry," she muttered, seeming to sense the need for quiet, considering the fact that her partner had only just woken up, after all. "You feeling all right?"

"Just great," he grunted, hoisting himself up on his elbows, and then struggling into a sitting position. Yawning, he stretched both of his arms upwards, cracking his back as he did so; the sound of his hat slipping off of his head came to his ears, and sighing in annoyance, he reached around, and with his quick reflexes, managed to catch it before it hit the floor. Blinking, he noticed once more how much...well...bigger he was than before. He hadn't yet attempted to stand up, and decided that he would leave that for a few more minutes, as he got his bearings.

Navi was being mercifully quiet as he looked around, to find himself sitting within the Temple of Time. Just as it had been seven years ago, it was now. White. Ever so white, and cold, and empty. He shivered a little; it reminded him of snow, only he didn't really have a desire to run around in this place. For some reason, he got the feeing that such an action might be frowned upon – especially by Rauru...

Thinking of Rauru, he remembered what the portly gentleman had told him about a guide of some sort. He hadn't seen anyone yet, and wondered whether he was supposed to find them, or the other way around. Mentally shrugging, Link surmised that, by Navi's agitated circles in the air, that he had procrastinated long enough. Now was the time for the real test...standing up.

Feeling more than a little ungainly, he shuffled around so that he was kneeling, and then slowly rose upwards, planting first one foot, and then the other on the floor as he did so. To his surprise, the action wasn't as difficult as first he had thought it would be; whilst it did feel strange to be a good three or more feet above the ground than he was used to being, it didn't feel too uncomfortable. He looked down and studied his feet, relating their current size to their past size, and surmising that he was going to have to spend an awful lot more on material for clothes.

At a feeble cough from his fairy partner, Link started, and looked up at her with a stretched smile. "This is weird," he declared loudly, and the deep sound of his voice rumbled around the high vaulted ceilings of the chamber.

"I know," she agreed, her own tinkling voice adding a high timbre to the echoing room. "Should we look for that guide?" as usual, she bought Link back to the task at hand, in a rather motherly manner. Rolling his eyes, he nonetheless followed her as she drifted down the steps and towards the main part of the Temple. Self consciously, he put his hat back on his head, and then took to smoothing down his tunic, which was slightly rumpled from where he had been lying upon the stone pedestal from which he had long ago wrenched the Master sword.

The sound of pattering footsteps behind him startled both Link and the fairy. With moves perfected in battle as a child, he drew both sword and shield from his back, and swivelled around on one foot, ready to fend off any attacks.

The person he came face to face with was clad in an indigo garment, which clung tightly to his skin. His face was covered, and only one red eye peered out from beneath a mass of sun coloured hair. Bandages adorned both ribs and joints, as well as being wrapped around the fingers of both hands – yet, when he moved, it was obvious that he wasn't injured in anyway. Catching glimpse of a red eye sigil, he remembered the Princess' scary attendant, Impa, and took a step back.

"Don't be afraid, Hero," the indigo clad man started, in a soft voice that immediately reassured Link. "I'm here to guide you in your-ARGH!" Link jumped at this screech, and then blinked when he saw that a girl had latched herself around the man's neck, and was proceeding to ruffle his hair with a vengeance. "How many times? Not when I'm working!" the man hissed, struggling, and eventually chucking the girl off. She huffed, and looked up at him scandalised, before her gaze drifted over to Link and Navi, both of whom were looking perplexed.

"You know, you should appreciate me whilst I'm still around," the girl pouted, now grabbing onto the man's leg, and refusing to let go. "After all, just take a look at him," she nodded her head to Link, who was still standing perfectly still, his eyebrow creeping further up his forehead as the exchange before him continued. The blue fairy carefully settled on his shoulder, and leant against the side of his neck as the girl carried on. "You do realise the fan girls are going to go mad over him, don't you?"

At this, the man in indigo ceased trying to kick her off, and looked down at her, his one visible eye wide. "Especially," she continued, a small smirk gracing her features, "considering he doesn't have his face covered all the time, unlike a certain _Sheikah_ I could name." The man reached up a hand to touch his facemask, and fiddled with the edge of it absently, before freezing. The girl tilted her head to the side, now smiling appealingly. "Don't want to lose your fan base, do you m'dear?"

"Nice try," the man chuckled, now deftly kicking the girl off, and sending her tumbling to land in a disarrayed manner at the bottom of the pedestal steps. Deeply shocked by this action against a lady, Link hurried forwards to assist her. "I wouldn't do that, if I were you, Hero," the other man warned, hurrying down the steps, and taking up a stance next to the girl, who was righting herself.

"Ow," she whined, looking reproachfully up at him. "Is that any way to treat your fans?"

"No. But it's a fantastic way to treat _you_," he spat back, rather vehemently. Again, Link was confused, and looked to Navi for some kind of explanation. When not even she could provide insight into what was going on, he started to get worried. Normally, Navi was able to tell him everything he needed to know.

He was startled out of his worry by the girl jumping to her feet, and dusting herself off. He found his eyes drawn to her strange fare – she looked as though she was wearing the clothes of an obese peasant chicken farmer, rather than the usual dresses he was used to seeing women and girls wear. Her blue trousers (obviously far too long) hid any sort of figure that she might have had, and pooled on the floor. They were made of a strange material he couldn't put a name to, and chains of different lengths were attached all over the garment. Her top half was a little more defined, with a white shirt, over which had been thrown a sort of waist-coat thing – it looked like silk and was covered with funny pins anyway – and on top of this was a multitude of scarves, all of which clashed.

All in all...she was funny looking. And also very forward, as he found when she held out a hand for him to take. "Name's Helena, but you can call me Soda," she said brightly, smiling and showing off a mouthful of teeth...only, they looked like they were covered in metal, and glinted slightly in Navi's light. Link, uncertain, but gathering that she at least seemed to be friendly, reached out to accept her hand, but hurriedly withdrew his own hand when the other man batted hers down.

"No! Just...sod off somewhere..."

"Is that really any way to speak to a lady?" the girl protested, looking sidelong at Link with a small grin. Link, now beginning to feel his head spin with all the things he was trying to figure out, gave up trying to decide what was going on, and decided to go along for the ride. Navi, sensing his decision, flitted up to hide under his hat, hoping that this strange episode would soon be over.

"As if you could be classed as a lady," the man snorted. The girl, who had been frowning, suddenly smiled once more, a devilish twinkle in her eyes. "What are you up to?" the indigo wearing man demanded to know, looking warily down at her.

"Oh, just concocting a plot involving you, him, and some cream," she murmured. Link's stomach rumbled at the mention of cream, but he didn't intervene with the conversation.

"Y-you wouldn't," the man said blankly. The girl just nodded. "Please, anything but slash...the other Sheikah already think I'm...'odd'..."

"Well, you are hanging out with someone, who by all rights doesn't exist."

"Good point." The man sighed heavily, and levelled his gaze at the girl. "All right, what is it you want?"

"I want to come with you two," she stated, as though this were the most obvious thing in the world. "You know, rewrite the story a bit. The three heroes! Link, Sheik and Soda!" Link looked up at his name, and at the dreamy look on the girl's face, wondered about her sanity. What by the Goddesses was she on about?

"No."

"But-"

"No! I am _not _going through another of those self-insertion things. I'm quite happy doing my normal job and not getting myself killed. I _know_ what you're like – you kill everyone off!" He crossed his arms over his chest, and looked pointedly away from her, instead looking at Link. "I'm sorry about this Hero,"

"Link," he corrected the man, feeling deeply uncomfortable with being called 'Hero' all the time.

"Link," the man amended. "I've been rude – my name's Sheik. This...woman...is called Helena, and don't humour her by calling her Soda – it only makes her worse. Could you perhaps excuse us for a second whilst we discuss something?"

"Uh, yeah, of course," Link agreed, turning on his heel and walking out of the chamber, putting his weapons away as he did so. "What's all that about?" he whispered to Navi, who had just reappeared from beneath his hat. "Who's she? And who's he? And what in Hyrule's going on?"

"To be honest, I don't know," Navi answered, sounding as confused as Link felt. Holding his hand up, he allowed her to land on it, and pulled a face at her, which made her smile weakly. "I just hope whatever they're talking about, they're quick. We need to get on, after all."

"Yeah..." Link looked over his shoulder, to see that 'Helena' and 'Sheik' were still talking. Feeling a little guilty, but allowing curiosity to overcome his conscience, he crept back a short way so that he could still hear what was being said.

"...you know self inserts always go wrong! You'll either kill us off, or make us fall in love with you, or some other such nonsense!" that was the man – he was gesturing wildly with his hands, and the girl flinched backwards when he almost caught her on the chin. She took a deep breath, and pushed her curly brown hair behind her ears. Link could almost have shouted out loud in shock – for they were round, just like a Gerudo. But she was pale like a Hylian, and... He stopped thinking when she started talking back to the man very quickly.

"Since when have I ever written a self insert?" she held up a hand, "This one discounted, fool," the man was silent. "Exactly. Besides, pretty as you both may be, I don't think I'm quite ready for a commitment of such magnitude," she flicked him on the nose, and chuckled derisively. "And writing about doing the dirty with you would be almost as weird as taking part in a porn film – so, well, thanks, but no thanks m'dear!" Link had no idea what porn was, but judged that it couldn't be good by the red tinge that appeared on the ears of the man called Sheik.

"Point taken." He paused for a second, and then carried on. "Can't you just, oh, I don't know... Narrate one of the old adventures or something? You're good at that. Not to be rude, but I don't think you're quite the type to be able to battle well," he cast an appraising eye over the girl, and Link was able to see his point. She was very short (barely gracing the same height as Sheik's shoulders), and looked more...cuddly...than muscular...

"I can do magic. All that time hanging around with those Hogwarts kids really helps," she pressed, crossing her arms behind her back and swaying from side to side. Sheik looked away, looked back, chuckled a little, and then reached out to ruffle her hair. "Oy! I think it's messy enough as it is!" she shrieked, ducking out of the way, and flattening down her hair...it made little difference.

"I suppose you can come along. But I want a written contract saying that you won't do anything untoward to any of us."

"Even Ganondorf?" she queried, coyly nibbling on the fingernail of her index finger on her left hand.

"You have serious issues," Sheik proclaimed, disgust obvious in his voice. "But, fine, if you can do what you like to him, will you promise to be decent the rest of the time?"

"It'll be a struggle," the girl sighed dramatically, "but for the amount of time off college this thing will give me, I'll agree!" She clapped her hands together, and did an odd little dance on the spot, before becoming completely still. Then, she snapped her head around to look directly at Link. "You can come back know – we've finished discussing things," she called brightly, stepping out of the way so that Sheik could stand in the foreground, and address Link.

Link walked back towards them, and wondered exactly what he was getting into. Navi just popped out from beneath his hat, and went to hover around the girl – the two of them began whispering, and Link thought he even heard Navi giggle once or twice. However, he had to pay attention to the man wearing indigo. "I'm so sorry about that – plans have changed somewhat. Now, as I was saying, I'm going to be your guide for this quest, and..."

* * *

_If you're going to write a self-insert, the least you can do is take the piss out of yourself, right? As for the character description, that was actually me from around two years ago. The skater/punk phase is (thank goodness) over, and my braces are gone. I am, still, however, rather mad and all-too-excitable for my own good._

_Spurned by reading one too many self-inserts where the characters fall in love in the first chapter. Also, because I wanted to write to get this out of my system! I've been hatching parodies for ages, and well, a parody or humour in prose is quite a rare thing here on fan fiction now ::sighs, reminisces about the good old days like the pansy she is.::_

_Anyway, tada! Totally meant as a one shot, though, like my Lord of the Ring parody, may see sporadic updates when I'm in the mood to write silly things. _


	2. Cliché amusements

**Cliché amusements**

_I'm such a sap for my good friend-come-reviewer kizna. I'm also suffering from writer's block on everything else I should be writing, so here's another chapter, in which I get to poke fun and parody self insertion fics. Be prepared to be immersed in my odd little bubble of a world._

* * *

Sheik had finally finished explaining the situation to Link, who, all things taken into account, was managing the oddness of it all rather well. The explanation had taken at least triple the time it should have done, as the girl had leapt in every couple of minutes with a witty comment or a question, which had thrown the Sheikah off the point time and time again. Not to mention her obvious sideways look at the Hero himself, which had made the young warrior very nervous, meaning that he often had to ask Sheik to repeat himself.

Yet, at last, all the talk was over, and they made ready to exit the temple of time and begin on their quest. Merrily, the girl began skipping off down the central aisle, and Link was astounded that she didn't trip over the excessive amount of chains and scarves on her person. Navi immediately abandoned him for the girl, and he felt a little disheartened. The two females laughter rang out in the cavernous vaulted ceilings of the place of worship, and looking over his shoulder, the Hero was able to catch Sheik rolling his eyes in exasperation.

Looking back in the direction that he was walking, he saw that the girl had stopped at the front doors of the temple, and was leaning heavily against the dark wood, awaiting his and the Sheikah's arrival. She tapped her feet on the floor (he couldn't see them, but he was able to distinguish the little tap each time her shoes touched the stone). Finally, when he had managed to reach halfway down the aisle, she peeled herself away from her leaning post, and urged him and Sheik on raucously. "Come on! I want to get out of this place before night falls and even more of those red-heads," Navi dipped down and whispered in her ear, "Re-deads?" the girl queried. "Really? Hmm...no wonder the guys in the games club were laughing at me..." she shook her head and smiled, and then looked up again. "Anywho, as I was saying, more of those re-deads," she leant heavily on the word to prove that she had, indeed, said it correctly, "will come out, and considering I don't have a weapon, and my running leaves much to be desired, I'd like you to go out there in front of me please."

Link just sped up, though hadn't understood half of what had been said. the girl spoke much faster than anyone else he had ever met before in his life. _I wonder if anyone's able to understand her at all? _He thought, even as he drew level with her. Only a second or so later, Sheik had also joined the party, meaning that all four of them were standing ready to exit the temple altogether. Navi had once again returned to inside Link's hat, and he felt slightly comforted to know that she hadn't abandoned him just yet. The girl, on the other hand, seemed to have lost all interest in him, as she had turned to Sheik, and begun to speak in her gabbled way, keeping her voice low as she did so.

Sheik nodded a couple of times, rolled his eyes, batted away her hands as she attempted to prod him in the stomach, and generally acted in a rather brotherly way to the girl, finally saying, "I suppose so. That would mean it'd be easier, and, well, if you get caught, it's not exactly that much of a loss..."

"Hey!" she protested, though there was a smile on her face. "Reckon you could just, I dunno, lend me something 'til I can get the cash?"

"Cash?" the Sheikah repeated, the word sounding even stranger when he tried to say it, than it had when the girl had said it.

"Yes, cash. Dinero, currency, notes, money you moron!" she hissed, sounding highly amused that he hadn't understood her meaning. Link felt glad that he hadn't been the one to question her, as he felt quite stupid enough already...especially considering he'd understood perhaps only twenty per cent of what she had said since he'd met her. She was very odd...

"If I'm the moron, how come you managed to electrocute yourself and end up here?" Sheik countered smugly. The girl raised her hand, opened her mouth, and then dropped it again,

"Good point," she muttered, blushing and looking at the floor in embarrassment.

"Sorry, but it's just such a cliché thing to do..." he said, bending down so that he was on her eye level. Once more, Link felt left out, and was glad when Navi came out to sit on his shoulder, and started filling him in about what had happened in the seven years whilst he'd been asleep.

Helena, meanwhile, was going over her method of entrance to Hyrule in her head. As she did so, the flush on her cheeks deepened, and Sheik actually began to feel a little sorry for her (for the first time he could remember). It couldn't be easy being a chubby teenager with braces, hair that would do a crow's nest proud, and a penchant for being too excitable, which more often than not got her into a lot of trouble. _Like that time she attempted to write a serious Lord of the Rings story, but nearly killed herself when she red it through and found all those clichés..._

* * *

Sheik's comment about my method of entrance into Hyrule had cut me more deeply than I'd like to admit. After all, what a stupid, over used way to get in! I couldn't believe I'd done it, to be honest. After seeing the plot device used so often, you'd think a girl would learn that there must be something more original than that, but, oh no, I just had to plagiarize everyone else, and nearly fry myself to death in the process!

This probably makes little sense to all of you, so I suppose I should explain...

I'd just managed to procure the game cube from my brother, who was trundling back off to university for his third year. I'd exchanged it for my gameboy advance and three Zelda games (Oracle of Ages, Oracle of Seasons and that funny Four Swords thing that I'd never actually bothered to try out.) So, being overly merry, plus wanting another excuse to procrastinate from writing my history essay about Weimar Germany's weaknesses, I decided to set it up.

I'm no technical genius, it must be said. Wiring things up is a highly daunting prospect for me. So, like the resourceful child I am, I actually went and sought out the manual that came with the console to ensure that I was putting the right plug things in the right plug thingies. Not that that makes a blind bit of sense...ah well... As I was saying, I was connecting the thing up, and having a whale of a time as I went about, singing along to whatever Windows Media player threw my way. When it was at last connected correctly, I rummaged around in the games I had been left.

And, I swear my heart stopped when I saw that beautiful, shiny, snazzy gold case! (This would be down to the fact that it was Zelda, but also down to my magpie-like tendencies to like shiny things.) And, when I took it out of the bag and saw the words 'special edition' inscribed at the top, my heart stopped again. This meant I sort of keeled over and semi-fainted for a few seconds, since not enough blood was going to my brain. That's what happens when you use the same clichéd reaction too many times in a row I suppose.

However, I must stop divulging from the point! Immediately, as the N64 had decided to give up on me, I ripped open the case, and jumped for joy when I found I could play the old Ocarina of Time, and the brand spanking new Master Quest! I popped the tiny disc into the console, pushed the on button, and watched as the fuzzy black and white dots on my TV screen turned into the selection screen. Feeling daring, I clicked upon Master Quest. (OK, not daring, just a little cocky in my gaming abilities by this point.) In I go to the start menu, and I immediately go into the options menu to turn the ruddy focus switch onto 'hold'. Because I've never been able to abide the switch method.

Then, I click down on a new game slot, and type in the customary 'Dustbin'.

Yes, Dustbin.

Don't look at me like that. It's a long running joke that I found highly amusing when I first used it as a game name, and it stuck ever since.

So, I typed in the name, scrolled down to press 'End', and it flipped over to show me a new game file. Scroll up, click on the game file, see the usual three heart containers, and wahey, away I went! The screen went black, and launched into the opening credits. I saw Navi, and that usual feeling of love and hatred combined flickered in my stomach. I settled on love when she did that adorable running into the fence thing she does. Yes, I'm a sucker for the clumsy people...

Link appeared on the screen, and my usual compulsion to say 'aww' in a ridiculously loud voice overtook me. However, at that very moment, my mother decided to come back home, and I knew that she would be mightily unamused if she found out I wasn't doing my work like a good little student. So, hurriedly, I shoved my controller under the desk, wiggled the mouse on my computer around to bring up my half finished essay on the screen, and then leant over to turn off the game cube.

As usual, being the forgetful and foolish person that I am, I forgot that I'd left my coffee mug teetering on the edge of the computer desk. As I leant over, I caught it with my elbow, and down the coffee went onto the four bar plug socket thingie to which the game cube was plugged. This thingie being what I usually use as a footrest, the coffee conducted electricity into my feet (I never do push the plugs in properly), and I pretty much squeaked/swore in one. Then, mentally cursing my own stupidity and my slovenly study, I tipped off my chair and it all went black.

And then...well, and then I woke up, saw a rather lovely indigo clad man standing over me, looking rather on the shocked side. Sitting up, I winced, looked down at my foot, and saw that I had a rather fetching set of burns on it. At a cough from the man in indigo, I looked up again. "Yeah?" I prompted, wondering if this what was being delusional was really like...

"Would you, by any chance, be the author that goes by the name of canihavea-soda?"

"Uh...yeah...why?" I asked, now putting my ever-cold hands over the burns on my foot to try and soothe them.

"Thought as much." With that, he knelt down and glared at me. Naturally, I turned into a quivering fangirl at this point.

"Pretty," is all I remember muttering, before he sighed derisively, put a hand on my shoulder, and told me to go to sleep. And, well, you never go against what a pretty guy tells you to do, so, I did.

That's about it really. Terrible way to get into Hyrule, but a grand way to get out of doing your work, eh?

* * *

_I am the queen of slow moving stories it seems. We're still not out of the temple. As I said, this was to try and get rid of my block. Sadly, I don't think it worked, but hopefully this should reinforce people's belief that I am, in fact, still alive._

_Blah. I'm a clichéd fangirl through and through. _


End file.
